Lady In The Mirror

oh I see mirror, mirror on the wall, so off the wall are thee! I see how you reflect my self, a self I would throw away straightway, my aim being so true, into the lake of fire I could toss you! I perceived myself as meddling in places where angels fear to tread, and it wasn't the first time.

It is only thoughts and nebulous are they, that they flit substantial not, but can sting at the weakness in my soul like bugs, mindless but with instinct to survive by cutting into my very skin, grown soft with age and tender from too much love or from lack thereof. I had been this social worker in another life, recognized for what she had done for the poor. I was determined I should not allow her to come forth in this life, yet she had been the rescuer I could not get out of my soul fabric. One can carry this trait to a fault so easily.

I see, I see I see! Now leave me be so I may grieve, the death of my little soul that does not fit the glory of but one encounter with God, who saw me so differently and made me what I am now and found my garments to be spotless somehow. Yes, it's true, no matter what is being said about it, that amazing grace was more than a song to sing on Sunday morning.

I feel like a queen said I to the angel who silently looking on, explained things quietly, evenly, as if the gifts she brought was merely a rendering of a weather report and nothing so fantastic as what I imagined. She said nothing in reply to this, that was revelation to I, unless her clear and steady gaze and her equanimity was a communication held next to my own incredulous moment of living a common life.

I did not want to emerge from cocoon. I had a right to stay cocooned if I chose. It was every ones right to be this careful when walking through the darkest of nights and accessing the walk itself had been oddly satisfying but no longer had the same import I had placed on it before. I could not deny the retorts of others who had crossed this way before myself, that the soul withdraws into itself when it's time is near, until it finally disappears in total from what is physical and what is dense. I am still here, I may say to my children, it is only that I am lightweight now and can float and you must wait for this experience yourself before you should catch the vision of your immortal mother.

Yet this human angel had other ideas and bent my ear in a practical sense. I did not find her totally incredulous, yet belief is slow to arise from the sickbed of habit and an infestation of humanity’s remorse, which I absorbed so easily as if a sponge. She was human, but I sensed she came from afar.

I was after all knowing I had everything I needed. I sometimes danced with this knowledge as my partner. Nobody saw me dance I was certain. I had a private love affair with life and it must be so, I was never truly alone, but in cohort with angels while I slept. If I should remember our talks, I would at once attain insanity I was certain and so the blessed veil remained in place a few more years.

Revelations do not cease their magical import and never stopped coming, but was like a wave upon wave, nonetheless I often found I could float easily enough only drowning once or twice but finding a breath at the last moment somehow, being overwhelmed only by divine providence in the end.

It never left my mind that I had everything I needed for eternity though I lived in flesh and blood and could still be sick in body if I became careless in thought and heedless that life was a gift and not a chore. Also in a flash I could realize my wellness, so something had occurred and worry had left this heart and I had barely recalled when it left and I was excited that it didn’t matter at all about my memories except that I wanted to keep them.

I must be in evolution, I thought, evolution of resolution. I cannot have long to live then. For my planet is not one of resolution, nay, if you are in resolution you cannot fit on this planet, for here, you must always be in competition and harbor the God of less than, more than, where justice is always being measured, but yet teeters back and forth, like an imaginary golden scale in a gale bouncing this way and that, while we took photographs remarking of it’s unreliability, as if we had nothing to do with it’s stability.

We bow down to illusions of grandeur, feasting on garbage of old thoughts, leftovers that decomposing make us ill, then wonder why our feet can no longer dance, our mouth no longer sing, our hearts no longer love.

And I thought It is hard to love some and easier to love others. For some seem deserving and others not at all. I hid in the burning bush as a banshee screamed out for love, assailing my senses to heights of helplessness like chalk on a board sounds. Then I knew when God spoke it was always true, but God was not as dramatic as his children I encountered. We usurped God's power of judgement. Yes, I knew this and was tormented to see this thievery commence even into a supposedly new age. So I went off into the world loving indiscriminately and was judged to be loose among other attributes. I would say to this judgment, nay, I am merely taking notes, and examination is nigh and it may well be all shall receive a passing grade except for those who took pleasure from tormenting another within intention. Those who hated me always apologized so I could not be sad but momentarily. Patience was everything. Time was truly a balm and choice was a remarkable gift.

And so before knowing it was the way of the world to judge and no matter what thoughts I esteemed this would occur, I retreated into the cocoon where I assumed I would emerge in newness one day. We had our individual destinies but there was one destiny we all had in common; we would die. I struggled to understand how death could occur while still yet toting about a cumbersome organic body, knowing I would find the answer, again, through patience.

I encountered depravity and jealousy, competition and greed which made retreat so very comforting and all the while I still remembered I had everything I needed to make it through.

I met several rich men, still for all those riches I knew they felt poor in spirit and by knowing them I saw I was rich beyond compare in spirit yet I was tormented by screams for love I had heard in my travels and I felt the truth come down hard that you cannot give a pearl to an animal that can feast only on an ear of corn but neither can you give the corn except if God's grace shows you how. Barking dogs would assail my ears for this is natural for dogs that they bark, yet it is unnatural that a man should bark at all.

I recalled the sweet angels I had met along the way, and I knew our world was peopled with angels and devils yet they were humans underneath it all and used by their own thoughts like puppets and I was like them, and we were all together and rarely escaped one another.

We had everything we needed. It was just an idea, but it was something real if we believed it. Amongst an unreal world, an idea was true if we felt it, if we gave the idea life and substance and chance. When someone loved us, we became transformed by that love.

Humans came from God, and to God would return, it was a circle we could not escape. Yet once we knew we had everything we needed we did not care to escape our fate for all necessity to survive here went by the wayside. Death and life were equal partners in truth. We do not speak of God for religion has become a nasty word. So God only means Good to myself, now I have removed evil from evil and it means to live spelled backwards. We place our own meaning on everything we see but we do not change the meaning another has placed around their own beliefs.

There is no evil but that evil is ignorance of truth, just as darkness is the absence of light. There is only Love. You cannot steal it, you cannot force it, you can only let it be what it is and eventually what is not real shall pass away and be but a terrible nightmare that we had been deserted by all that was Good. Love is in the doing, in the act while saying I love you has become only empty words if Love is in the being. We must never forget Love we have known as that is what keeps us alive beyond the bread that we break together. Check this out; when a loved one dies, if we loved them truly, we can only remember the moments of love shared, all their faults have suddenly vanished, and we term this to be our rightful grief process. Yet also check this out; if you focus on the love shared, and not their faults nor the way you were treated on occasion by them, you find yourself with a heart of gratitude and joy that they showed up in your life at all.

Then there's the other side of the coin; there will be some vexing situations that will pass away as you develop your personal armor of truth. You won't remember certain people who have harmed you, either by intention or because they were unconscious of the effects that would come about by their expressions. It is only a lack of the Light. You will not feel love for them and your only job in this case is not to blame your own self for this lack of love you feel for them. If they are particularly devious, they may try to convince you that you owe them this love. In truth, none of us owe any debt like this, for love is an inside job for each to do in their own time at their own pace. All that may be required is that you move out of the way of a speeding train by using common sense, and to lean on true friends who love us unconditionally and therefore their advice is always true.

I feel like a queen I said to the angel. Aye, she seemed to nod imperceptibly, we all take a turn at that feeling the same at some point in the turning of the wheel of numerous lives. As she left I caught the faint glimmer of heaven from the corner of her eye, and I knew then where she had come from and why she was here.